Well, my friends, I’ve officially deleted my Tinder profile. Yes. It’s true. I’ll let you all digest that for a moment.
Don’t fret, though, because I haven’t given up on the dating scene altogether. I’m just exploring other options. My latest exploration…OkCupid. It’s an app that has the swipe left or right feature as well, but this one encourages more in-depth bios, and it allows all users to send each other messages. Essentially, you message anyone who tickles your fancy.
In other words, you end up with eleventy billion messages from weirdos you want nothing to do with. Now, since I’m a generous person, I’ve decided to share some of those conversation starters with you. The magnificent Maggie Wells, author extraordinaire, will be providing her always-entertaining commentary. Poor guys never stood a chance. Ready? Here we go!
Bachelor Number One
DonJuanDeMarco: I feel you appear to be attractive and consequently I want to explore the possibility of enhancing your life by means of exposure to my awesomeness.
Maggie’s Commentary: Wow. That is both repellent and oddly tempting.
(A) Points for the name
(B) Demerits for his use of vague perceptions
(C) I want to witness this awesomeness and judge for myself
(D) I’m a tad concerned about exposure
Me: (E) I’m using this for my blog.
Maggie: As you should.
Bachelor Number Two
SunshineDude: Wanna go dancing like super-freaks together sometime? If you’ll tell me about your favourite dance parties I’ll tell you about mine….
Maggie’s Commentary: Tell him only if he’s Rick James.
Me: I’m not telling him anything. He’s weird-lookin’.
Bachelor Number Three
Moonlightfixes: Hi thinking you’re absolutely stunning wondering if I may have the honour of getting to know you (rose emoji) Alejandro.
P.S. Any chance you might like motorcycles?
Maggie’s Commentary: How stunned could he be? He could still type and use cheesy emojis. Answering for myself–not a snowball’s chance, but I don’t know about you.
Me: No, because I’m more attracted to his motorcycle than him, and I’m not a big fan of motorcycles. And his punctuation, or lack thereof, makes my eyes bleed.
Bachelor Number Four
Maggie’s Commentary: Rawr.
Bachelor Number Five
hundredbux2view: Ooh the tall & beautiful
So crazy amounts of peanut butter, Nutella photo shoots but you have the perfect body! What’s your secret? lol
Maggie’s Commentary: She doesn’t eat it, she just smears it all over herself.
Me: Hmm. Oddly appealing.
Aaaaaaaand last but not least, Bachelor Number Six!
You seem like a lovely girl. I’m actually a big traveler and foodie. Have you been anywhere this year? Cheers
Maggie’s Commentary: Last night I traveled to McDonald’s to sample their new chef’s selections burgers. The flavors were incredible. Have you tried one yet?
Me: Can I date the burger instead?
😀 That’s all for now. Stay tuned for more adventures in online dating! There are SOME good ones out there, too. In fact, there’s a fella who’s invited me out for a wild and passionate night of karaoke. Deets next week, I promise! Ta-ta till then, my lovelies!